Marriage Counseling and Argentine Tango: If Your Marriage Is Falling Apart, Can Tango Help?
Marriage is ideally a lifetime commitment. However, the reality is that not all marriages last.
Many couples, after years of staying together, have the tendency to fall into the trap of monotony and miscommunication. In these cases, one can see proof that familiarity may breed contempt — if not apathy.
When talking about failing marriages, it is important to acknowledge that there are marriages that do experience more severe problems, particularly when physical abuse may be present.
For situations like these, a different kind of intervention or professional is sorely needed.
However, if a failing marriage is the result of two people falling out of love for each other, marriage counseling may be pursued to bring the old spark back into the relationship.
Couple counseling can take on many forms and apply different methods.
One may be surprised to know that Argentine tango has been recommended as a form of couple’s therapy.
In fact, an article from Reuters reports:
“Doctors as far afield as Italy and Australia are using Argentina’s world famous tango to treat problems ranging from Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease to phobias and marital breakdowns.
“‘Treatment is not just about therapy and drugs, it’s about giving them a nice time to enjoy themselves,’ said Trinidad Cocha, a psychologist who teaches a weekly tango therapy class at the Borda Hospital in Buenos Aires.”
From the get-go, it’s easy to see how Argentine tango as a dance may be a vehicle for repairing marital breakdowns. The dance’s sensual nature and its need for close physical contact can be the first step in bringing couples together into a loving embrace that lasts even after they’ve left the dance floor.
The physical contact that may be absent in the home or in the bedroom can be safely and respectfully re-established through tango, as the dance becomes a space in which trust and cooperation are encouraged.
More than just the physical connection, though, tango also helps transcend unhealthy emotional boundaries that may have served as safeguards against hurt and disappointment over years of a slowly withering marriage.
As mentioned, physical contact is just the first step in reconnecting with a distant spouse. There are several other ways that tango can help failing marriages and allow both parties to explore some of the deeper issues that may have been hindering their relationship from flourishing.
Here are some of those ways:
Tango Helps Bring Back Emotional Connection
An absence in physical connection among couples may often be the result of emotional detachment.
Healthline defines emotional detachment as such:
“Emotional detachment is an inability or unwillingness to connect with other people on an emotional level.
For some people, being emotionally detached helps protect them from unwanted drama, anxiety, or stress.
For others, the detachment isn’t always voluntary. It’s instead the result of events that make the person unable to be open and honest about their emotions.”
There are a number of factors that may cause emotional detachment in one party or another in a marriage, making it impossible for couples to specifically pinpoint the event that may have triggered them to become emotionally — and, eventually, physically — withdrawn from their spouse. Both internal and external factors come into play.
Regardless of what the reasons may be, the result is the same; one or both parties do not feel the same emotional connection for each other as they once did when the relationship was new.
How Can Tango Help Bring This Feeling Back?
When couples try to learn Argentine tango together, they don’t just learn how to do the steps — they also learn how to become more attuned to their individual and shared responses.
Because tango is a dance that requires improvisation, it is important for dance partners to recognize subtle cues, which will lead them to the next move. Simply put,
learning the tango encourages couples to pay attention to each other’s body language, what is comfortable and uncomfortable, what is beyond their capacity, or what they may be willing to explore.
This, alongside the physical space they share, can help couples realize what each party needs to feel loved and attended to. In sharing an embrace while dancing, both partners can bring back the human connection between them that goes beyond words.
Tango Encourages Listening to Each Other
It is often thought that communication is strengthened the longer people are together.
After all, sharing one’s everyday life with their spouse can help make them feel more comfortable in expressing their thoughts and feelings to the other.
However, that is the ideal scenario and doesn’t always prove true for every marriage. In some cases, the longer a couple stays together, the more withdrawn they are from communicating.
Again, there are many factors that lead to this situation. Some examples may include one party neglecting to listen to the other, or one spouse reacting negatively to what the other says without truly understanding what is being shared. In some cases, couples fail to find a common ground and end up arguing over differences in opinion or beliefs.
It is common knowledge that communication is the bedrock of a healthy marriage. More important, however, is the realization that communication is a two-way street; it involves being open with the other and open to listening.
Just as one spouse should not monopolize the conversation, the same is true when dancing the tango. Leaders don’t lead by force or overstep boundaries; followers are not just passive participants. Each one takes turns contributing to the “conversation” of the dance, constantly “listening” to their partner by being attuned to the other’s non-verbal responses.
A post from Regent University Charis Institute aptly summarizes the importance of good communication, and how this actually relates to tango: “Good communication is often considered to be a hallmark of a good relationship. But sometimes couples run into difficulties talking to each other.
“Being able to communicate well is a lot like dancing a tango. A tango is an intricate, structured dance that takes practice to perfect, but after time looks effortless.”
“Like learning how to dance, learning effective communication can take work.” By practicing tango, married couples can take steps toward learning how to listen to their spouse and being fully engaged in what they have to say without passing undue judgment. In doing so, they can identify which areas one could take the lead as the other provides support.
It is putting in practice the true leader-follower dynamic wherein each one is constantly listening to what the other is saying, so they can make the next move in sync together.
Tango Fosters Trust
With the absence of physical and emotional connection in a marriage, trust is sure to follow suit.
Just think about it — two people who don’t speak to each other or don’t share even as much as a glance are no more than two strangers living in the same house. Of course, humans are instinctively wary of strangers or those whom they consider as such.
It goes without saying that this bodes terribly for marriages as a lack of trust can further sever communications while couples become needlessly suspicious of each other’s activities and abilities.
They might begin to question what they can do and what they ought to do, leading to further arguments and misunderstandings.
It cannot be emphasized enough how trust is absolutely important in any relationship. All things considered, life is a series of unknowns that couples inevitably have to explore and face together.
Without trust, they are doomed to fumble around in the dance floor of life, stepping on each other’s toes.
For tango to be experienced in its fullness, trust must be the crux that keeps partners in the embrace. Thus, in learning the tango, couples are also learning how to trust each other once again.
A personal anecdote from The Atlantic shares a couple’s journey and how tango helped bring trust back into their relationship:
“Trusting the unknown and being fully present allows for this spontaneity, humor, and playfulness to naturally emerge. Tango, like relationships, involves a great deal of improvisation.
“In our time here, my partner and I manage to find a way to one another. I step into the unknown and trust her to lead me. We don't know where we're going or what we will bump into, but we keep on moving. We switch between leader and follower, each on our own individual axis, gently leaning into an embrace.”
In trusting each other, individuals also learn how to trust themselves as much as they trust the other. In marriages, this can lead to improved cooperation and more open communication.
Tango Allows Couples To Spend Time Together
When it comes to cooperation, as well as open communication, this can only happen when couples spend time together.
In many marriages, it may be the case that couples have difficulty finding time to bond because of work, domestic responsibilities, other personal projects, etc. A certain routine becomes established through the years, but many couples might not have time to include regular date nights, watch a movie together, or even share a meal. Some may have occasional dates, but the frequency dwindles the busier they get and the more responsibilities they have outside of the relationship.
While it may seem like more of an obligation at first, enrolling together in tango lessons can help couples share at least one activity in their routine.
Because tango lessons are scheduled, couples can prepare for each session while exercising spontaneity as they practice. Over time, should they decide to diligently attend practicas, couples may find themselves strengthening their connection with their spouse.
Attending milongas can also serve as a more exciting alternative to typical date nights, allowing both partners to enjoy something fresh and new in each other’s company. This helps dispel the boredom that may have crept into their relationship as they are both faced with new knowledge — of the dance and of each other.
Tango Inspires Couples To Have a Common Goal
Last but not least, tango inspires couples to have a common goal, which may help them set aside differences that are possibly throwing a wrench into their relationship.
With this common goal, they are more inclined to motivate each other and support their tango journey.
Additionally, tango can also become an avenue for couples to pursue a healthier lifestyle. A post from Superior Ballroom Dance explains:
“In the long run, dancing can be part of your fitness regimen, or it could be your primary workout. The agile moves that test your flexibility and coordination also help you strengthen your bones and muscles, and sweat a lot to burn calories. Shedding extra pounds together and motivating each other throughout can make the lost weight or shapely figure much more rewarding.”
With this renewed vigor for healthy living, couples have a better chance of improving their sex lives, as well as share other physical activities that can allow them to bond and have a more meaningful time together.
Having a common goal also helps couples become more present in the moment they share, and they can carry over the lessons they have learned in cooperation when approaching marital challenges. As explained by Susan Johnson, a leading expert in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, in her keynote speech at the 2009 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium:
“Tango has a form but it's also improvised in the moment. So in order to dance tango, you have to be very present, very tuned in, very responsive.”
“So a relationship is also an improvised dance. It's a dance that constantly creates itself. It's a dance that changes and shapes the dancers.”
Falling Apart or Falling in Love?
Marriages can begin to fall apart when couples fall out of love. It’s different for everyone, but there’s no doubt that tango can help couples fall in love with each other once more.
Aside from the physical connection it can provide, tango can help bring back the emotional connection, communication, and bonding married couples need to stay together and face challenges in a loving embrace.